On the ledge
by beccalovesbumblebee
Summary: Trigger warning suicide, mentions of cutting. You can flame me, but I mostly wrote this as a way to vent out my own feelings. Sorry guys.


On the ledge

beccalovesbumblebee~ I'm writing this to get stuff out of my head. I feel like this a lot, like I just want to jump off a bridge, or fall asleep and not wake up when the sun kisses my face in the morning. I haven't been on fanfic for a while, and I sincerely apologize to all of you that follow me. I will begin updating again, but I haven't had the energy to write, or even pull ideas together. If you don't understand what I am saying here it is okay, just know that you matter, I love you and that you guys are all beautiful, creative, and smart. Never let anyone tell you any different.

TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE/ATTEMPT AT SUICIDE/CUTTING/ETC.

My dreams had taken me to this place many times. I was heading towards the roof, and I knew that I was going to jump. The pain I felt with tears stinging my eyes was becoming unbearable. I wanted to change,but I couldn't; my course was set before me. I took steps forward until the soles of my bare feet kissed the ledge. The wind streaked up at me, as if it was trying to push me back to safety, but the wall behind me held no safe hold. The door that I had come through seemed to click shut and lock as I looked back at it; encouraging me to lean forward and use gravity to fulfill my death wish. The ground below me sounded sweeter, and sweeter as it showed me my bitter end. I wanted to feel the open air flow around me; I wanted to fly. My blue eyes traced the stars in the sky, and searched for the moon, which continually smiled down on me with his unfeeling face. "I wonder if I will join you?" I asked the moon, mostly. "I've always wanted to be a star," I mused quietly, before my gaze traced the ground once more. Between the faint light from my blue optics, and the moon and stars it was mostly dark. The streetlights had been off for a long time now, and the city seemed to be asleep.

"They are asleep and I can't be." I stared at the faint marks on my exposed arms, and tried to forget how they got there... But forgetting was a luxury I never had. The pain never ended; nothing ever made it any better. If only they could see how much pain they caused me. People hurt me, and no one would ever understand... I only ever had my Father and he was wonderful... Its just that living without knowing why you are here that gets to you. "How did I get here? Why am I alive?" I asked the moon and the God that I didn't know if I could truly believe in.

I stared in the direction of the plant, and another wave of tears flooded my eyes. Their voices spoke in a chorus in the back of my head. "Don't go." Don't leave us." "We love you." "You're special." "You're one of us." I shook the voices away. They were all wrong. I didn't have a choice anymore. Leaving was in my design, and I was no one. I didn't belong anywhere, with anyone. I was Sari Sumdac before, but now I am a shell, a lifeless protoform. My eyes fluttered shut, I was done thinking. The wind urged me on, and the cuts on my thighs and arms stung. I thought of Bumblebee, before I leaned forward slightly balancing on my tip toes; waiting for gravity to put me out of my misery. I took out my paper, and wrote to the only person that mattered anymore.

_Bumblebee, Please know that there was nothing you could have done for me. I was dead before you met me. I had been standing on this ledge for a long time, but this is it. I can't live with the pain anymore. I wish I could have been happy with you, but you deserve better than me. Don't be sad for me. I'm going home, where the pain can't get to me anymore. I love you, and remember the good times we had together. You are always cuter when you smile._

I put a smiley face at the end of my message, and didn't sign my name. I clutched my note in my right hand before I finally fell forward into the open air. It was cold, but I felt weightless as I descended to the warmth of the concrete. Time seemed to freeze before me, and it was just me and the ground.

I closed my eyes and let myself relax. The pain would end, and I would be happy.


End file.
